Living Outside the Boxx

Can you guess what I just finished doing?  Well I don’t want to say I’m becoming addicted to Sudoku, but I just read in the March 2009 edition of Reader’s Digest, page 35 that playing Sudoku can help you become wealthy because it (as well as some other number games, word puzzles, and brain-teasers) keeps your brain agile.  To quote the author Jean Chatzky, “they all help stimulate the growth of nerve cells, which makes your mind sharper over time.”  She goes on to say, “Having more mental clarity makes you a more flexible thinker, and that’s essential for wealth.”  She says more but that did it for me.  I find myself eyeing Sudoku everyday even when I don’t have time to play with him. :-)  Oh, but tonight I stopped everything and played a set and finished it faster than the last time not because I was trying, but because this new way of thinking is really causing me to “see” things much faster than before.

 

Somehow you knew I would take the time to explain for I’m enjoying this, truly.  I find that now my eyes look at the entire puzzle from the beginning, not just inside one box, the one or two with the most numbers, to find the easiest starting point.  Now that I’m no longer stuck inside the boxes (or boxx, my new word) my perspective has broadened and I think my brain cells are rejoicing!!  “She no longer has to ride the short bus” I heard one of them say when I finished the puzzle.  Smarty pants.    Even as I worked I could hear within my heart how “living” outside of the box allows us (at least it has done this for me in a short amount of time) not only to consider many options outside of our familiar surroundings in each area of life, but they allow us to look back inside the box too, and see things differently.  You see, we don’t have to run away from the box after we no longer live there for there are still lessons back there we can learn.

 

For instance, I know I need to start collecting boxes soon for packing up my life from this place to move to another.  I’m going to need boxes of all shapes and sizes.  I’ll even use some with wheels called suitcases (valises en Francaise).  You see, boxes are not our enemies; they are neutral and can be our friends.  It’s what we do with them, as with most things in life, which determine their positivity or negativity in our lives.  I love my parents and my upbringing in the church and specifically in the Pentecostal church, for we have a rich spiritual and musical heritage that demanded from us a level of excellence in everything we did, even when we didn’t have everything we felt we needed.  We learned to make do and make ourselves “look” and feel “rich” even when we were not. :-0  Now that’s a powerful heritage I wouldn’t give away for all the money in the world, really.  Within that heritage lies the power for me to get wealth, just like Chatzky said about Sudoku.  Oh, but guess what?  She was not the first one to say it.  Our loving Creator was/is.  Oh yes!!

 

In the Old Testament book of Deuteronomy 8:18 the Lord said through Moses to the Israelites, “And you shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth . . .”  And in the New Testament book III John 2 He speaks through that apostle, “Beloved, I wish above all things that you prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers.”  Now this is not just talking about money for there are many poor rich people, on the earth.  To be prosperous means you have wisdom and understanding concerning life and how to move and groove through the challenges that come your way.  I call prosperous people “Mac Gyvers”. 

 

You remember the weekly television show by the same name of the guy who would get in trouble just by being in the wrong place at the right time, or the right place at the wrong time, or the wrong place at the wrong time, and yeah, even sometimes the right place at the right time (depending on your perspective)?  See, Mac Gyvers learn to seize the moment to use their skills, and create some along the way.  When they don’t see what they need at hand, they create it.  For instance, while I was on tour in Belgium this past winter I needed a knife in my dressing room to slice a lemon for my hot tea.  Well, there were none to be found, but my road managers did find the can of peanuts I desired and guess what?  My Mac Gyver eye saw a knife!  I opened my can of nuts, and munched on some while slicing my lemon with the aluminum lid.  There were many other such events like that on my tour and my road manager Anna began calling me Mac Gyver.  (Even though she’s from Poland living in Belgium, she speaks fluent English and is very familiar with our American television shows. :-)  Thanks Anna!!)  Now she’s a true out-of-the-box person, and I found myself having to think outside of the box often in order to get by in those freezing temperatures.  LOL!!

 

So you see, my experiences have taught me that true wealth is not just about money, but it is also being able to live outside of the box and still learn from the box.  It’s being wise not to throw away the box with the baby (couldn’t think of another good one just then.) but keeping it for later, or just keeping the lessons learned from the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred in that environment.  Boxes can be limiting when we see them as our security and keep us from changing, growing, expanding, and learning.  A grasshopper in a box with a lid on it after awhile gets trained to jump only so high, so when the lid is removed, he doesn’t realize he’s free to jump outside of the box.  If you find yourself boxed in under an open sky, call somebody!! to come and cut the box from around you so you can move on.  Sometimes our relationships can be that way, on our jobs, in our homes, in our communities, churches and even our countries.  Sometimes you will have to use the items inside your box to build a ladder so you can climb out of that box and “see” that the world is larger than that box you’ve been in for a while.

 

I’m no different from anyone else.  I desire security and a nice home, family, a “job” with all the perks and quirks (NOT!), but at what cost?  What are we willing to sacrifice to live inside the box, and what are we willing to forego to live outside of the box?  There is a risk either way, and yes even living outside of the box it’s easy to create another box if “box thinking” is inside of us, like that grasshopper.  True prosperity is not only learning how to live outside of the box while keeping the good that came from inside the box, but it’s also not allowing in-the-box thinking to limit us.  Just because we change locations and time zones doesn’t mean nor guarantee that we’ve changed, or are living outside of the box.  You can still be thinking inside a square box with a round head.

:-)  

So I encourage you to take a chance, even a baby step.  Do something different, maybe drink tea instead of coffee, drink more water and cut out the sodas, really cut out those cigarettes that are puffing away your new opportunities down the line just to name a few.  Some others can be visit another country for 3-5 days, or another state.  Visit another church of a different race and denomination.  Read up on another culture.  Be willing to understand others even when you don’t agree with their philosophies.  It’s not the beliefs that are important, it’s the people and when they see your heart’s interest in them, they will be willing to hear what you have to say too.  Then you may be able to win them over to a more excellent way.  Or maybe you will be the one changing to a more excellent way.  “You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.”  Thank YOU, Jesus! 

  

What CAN you do? Su-Doku Part III

You’ve got it.  I’m back at it again.  Yes I had another date with Sudoku yesterday morning because there wasn’t much else I could do.  We just finished a three consecutive concert in a row tour (that’s redundant isn’t it?) and my body went on strike.  For two days I’ve been chasing my running nose like a two year old toddler who refuses to settle down for her nap.  I’m sneezing virtually and in reality.  No fever, headache or other aches, but just the tiredness that comes from a congested head that added a couple of kilograms on the scale.  Whew!

Oh but my time with Sudoku was nice and peaceful and I finished the puzzle faster, even though I wasn’t trying to speed through it.  What was happening?  Well, I’ve been applying the other lessons Sudoku taught me i.e. thinking outside of the boxes for instance.  But today I noticed something different I hadn’t been doing before.  I was talking out loud!!  LOL!!  “You can’t do this, you can’t do that. . . because there’s a nine here, and there and there.  Aaah, but you can do this!”  If I recall correctly from my school days (sometimes I was just dazed, and enjoyed it.) this is called the “process of elimination”.  Cool, it really does work in real life and not just in text books. :-)

Looking back on my upbringing especially in the church, we were warned that as Christians we could not do so many things, so much so we were not told what we could do.  So for many of us our lives were spent “not doing” rather than doing, like walking down the street with your eyes glued to the sidewalk so you won’t step in dog doo, but you miss that handsome man walking by who was trying to get your eye.  (Well something like that.  Wait, please come back!!)  We were thus limited in our scope as to who we were then, and who and what we could become.  Even though we had invited Jesus to live inside our hearts we had not intellectually come in contact with the great big dreams He had for us so we told HIM on a daily basis “we can’t do this and we can’t do that” by our words, thoughts and deeds, efforts at living righteously.  Of course I can now imagine Him looking at us with “unbelievable” in His eyes, yet with undying love and patience with us in our blindness.  (Thanks for Your Amazing Grace!)

As I played with Sudoku this time, each time I said what I couldn’t do, Sudoku would eventually reply “but you CAN do THIS!”  I was like wow! And each discovery made the game come alive to me once again.  That’s the power of encouragement and affirmation – it gives us strength and power to move on and press through the difficult time and place.  I wanted to go to church today but my body said “no”, and the Holy Spirit agreed, or the Holy Spirit said “no” and my body agreed.  Anyhooooo, that’s two against one.  All I could envision were the thoughts behind the stares (I can SEE what you’re thinking) of fellow metro passengers that with each sneeze, sniffle, and nasal drip snort that I was probably engaged to a pig.  NOT!  Then my mind fast-forwarded to the people I wanted to see who I’ve not seen for months thinking “ghee we’re glad to see you, but couldn’t you have stayed at home with that song and dance?”  So what could I do?  I didn’t want to just sit or sneeze the day away, at least in my mind.  My body thought it was a good idea and just continued as she pleased.  “Your body’s here with me, but your mind is on the other side of town.”  That’s what I was experiencing.  So I asked my Lover, what can I do?  He said “you can work on finishing your book and prepare it for the editor.  You can use this time to rest and be quiet.”  Not a bad idea.

Many times Jesus told His disciples to “come away” and rest after feeding thousands, taming stormy seas, cleaning out the temple (didn’t have Hoovers back then) and healing a man from the swine flu.  Well actually what happened was the man had a lot of “folk” living with him and everybody wanted to have things their own way.  He was very schizophrenic and violent and loud and when he saw Jesus get out the boat everybody just went berserk.  Jesus asked him his name and he replied “Legion because there are a lot of us living in here man.”  To make a longer story long (just kidding) Jesus told them only one person could stay, but all the rest had to go, so they asked Him to send them into the herd of pigs on the hill.  And so He did and the swine flew down into the sea.  LOL!  Jesus did what He could do and that was liberate that man mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially.  Wow talk about one-stop shopping!  Walmart has nothing on our Savior.

I’m now looking at life differently more each day, not from the perspective of what I cannot do, but what can I do here, now, on my way to doing what I cannot now do here. :-)  All things are possible to her who believes, and I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.  Nothing is impossible with God for if I have faith the size of a grain of mustard seed (that’s not very big) I can ask Him for what I need and desire – according to His best for me – and I shall receive it.  Daily God asks us “What CAN you do?” not because He doesn’t know, but because He does know and He wants us to know it and get it, and DO it.  I find that in all situations, the one thing I can do no matter what’s happening is pray.  Prayer isn’t just asking for this or that but it’s the vehicle for elevating my mind and senses above my environment.  Prayer empowers me to believe when I find it difficult to see.  Prayer encourages me to use all my gifts and talents to accomplish something at any level, not just for myself, but for others too.  Prayer lets me praise and show the Lord my gratitude for what He has already done for me in my life.  Prayer is an awesome privilege and opens the portal between heaven – the Lord, and earth Me (we are made from the dust of the earth. ;-0) – God touching me and me touching God Spirit to spirit.  (That’s what Jacob’s ladder signifies, btw.)  Prayer opens my eyes, gives me fresh and new vision (“I once was blind. . .”) to other possibilities, and also to retrieve nuggets I discarded because of disappointments.  I could go on about prayer (Yes I Can!  LOL!) but I think you see what I’m singing.  LOL!!

So the next time you or I are talking about this or that, and we hit a place where we’re talking smack, you look at me and I look at you, and ask the question “What can you do?”  Lord not only is Your grace amazing, but YOU are amazing!  

Su-Doku Part II: What's the rush?

Around these parts, I guess Paris that is, some of us joke that we’re not “Russian” but American when we’re running late from one place to three others.  Well I caught myself rushing when I didn’t have to, and I was sitting down.  Let me explain (somehow you knew that I would, so just go ahead and grab your cup of coffee or Merlot, Bordeaux or hot chocolate – depending on your geographical locale and time zone, and spend a few moments with me.).  As I worked another Su-doku puzzle this morning, I became cocky and over-confident and thus made many mistakes.  I seemed to be completing it faster than usual, and then I had to consult the answer grid to get me back on track.  En plus (that’s French for “in addition to that”) I was talking on the phone, or the other person was talking and I was trying to listen and pay attention to Su-doku.  Hmmm.  You don’t have to say anything, I can hear you thinking it.  Anyhooo, we will come back to that.

The answer grid shows us what it’s supposed to look like when we’ve successfully completed the puzzle.  Hmmm.  God’s Word – written and prophetic is our answer grid to ALL of life’s situations – it’s our answer grid, even for those things not specifically addressed in black and white, or red.  Let’s just skip around a little bit to keep it interesting.  You see in school when taking a test, to consult the answers before completing the test is called cheating.  But in God’s kingdom this is not the case.  He commands (not in a controlling way but with loving indignation, like a teacher who wants you to ask questions and learn well) that we look at the answers first, so we will know how to “study” and learn.  He’s not concerned that we be perfect in everything with no mistakes, as the conditions on which our human and earthly cultures are based.  God is more concerned that we really “get it!”  Got it?  He wants us to really “learn” the “material”, for instance “love one another as I have loved you.”  He wants us to be able to apply and use in practical ways the inspirations and revelations we receive from His Word and His Heart by His Spirit, to mature us, such as “speaking the truth to each other in love” and “putting away all lying and slander and gossip and bitterness, etc.”  Hmmmm. (four m’s that time.)

First of all, it’s been a long time since I’ve royally messed up a Su-doku puzzle, for I usually take it slow, or put it down when I get stuck, but this one jerked me back to reality and warned me of several things:

First of all (again?), it’s rude to the other person who’s talking to you for you not to be fully there when they’re speaking, whether by phone, chat room, or and especially face-to-face.  My training as a psychologist and counselor has taught me this well.  So I had to be reminded that I must not multi-task when it comes to listening to people unless truly necessary, and cooking too.  LOL!!  Secondly, don’t get cocky because of past successes.  Being over confident is just as bad, maybe even worse than lack of confidence.  How can I say that?  (I just did.  Okay.  Ahem)  Well, because you can get on a roll and roll right on down the hill with Jack and Jill and before you know it all the water in your pail is spilled, your crown is broken, and voila! your insurance premiums go up!!  That’s it in a nutshell.  Anyhoo, you’re no longer in control and where you stop rolling, nobody knows!!  LOL!!

Third, or is it thirdly?  (Where are all the good English teachers of days gone by to keep us writing and speaking correctly?)  Don’t be too proud to check the answer grid every once in a while to keep errors to a minimum.  Keep short accounts with yourself, others and with God.  When you’ve not heard from a friend or loved one in a while, why not drop them an SMS (or an SOS), or an email and ask “how ya doing?”  Check your emotional, mental, and spiritual temperatures, blood pressure, weight, teeth, etc. every once in a while to see if you’re on healthy track.  Preventative maintenance can keep us from becoming high maintenance.  :-)

Finally, Su-doku humbly admonished me to slow down.  What’s the rush?  Su-doku is not necessarily a game you have to speed through (unless of course you’re competing with a friend or yourself and the clock).  For me I use it to slow down and empty my mind from all the multi-tasks I must do.  So why did I mess up?  I think I told you already, but since you asked, now you must start back at the beginning for obviously you did not get it the first time.  I messed up because of Cocky Pride in Speedos (no, not a man, just a play on words.)  LOL!!

As I live from day to day the clock continues to tick forward.  Even if I take out the battery time will not stand still for me.  So I’d rather make the most and best use of my time and other resources by doing whatever I’m doing, the right way the first time.  There’s not always enough time for back-tracking, so I must not get in a hurry to be on time when I’m already late!  “Haste makes waste.”  And if I’m on time, then there’s no need to rush, right?  Sometimes I envision falling down the stairs chasing after a train and missing it anyway, but now with a possible injury, or damaged luggage etc.  It’s just not worth it.  Thanks again Su-doku for preventing another possible disaster.  This is another lesson well-taught and well-taken, and for me, one well-learned.  Hey, if you can avoid becoming part of the cattle call running through the metro and chasing buses, etc. then do.  Pace yourself, and even schedule yourself if you must.  (No I’ve still not mastered this, but I will continue working on it until I do, because it’s so important as we get younger.  We cannot afford unnecessary accidents, etc.)  What’s all the rushin about anyway?  I’M not Russian.  I’m American.  “Head ‘em up!  Move ‘em out!  Rawhide!"

A Lesson from Su-Doku.

Who is Su-Doku?  Has anyone in our time met him up close and personal?  How old is he?  Where did he come from, and how did he get “here”?  By boat, plane, horse and buggy, train?  Who named him and how do I know he’s a “he”?  Well everything, or every word in the French language is either masculine – “Le”, or feminine – “La”, and Su-Doku is a “jeu” (not a Jew, I don’t think he is) and in the dictionary I found “le jeu”.  So from that I deduced that Su-Doku is male.  I may be wrong, but so far I’ve not heard anyone say otherwise.  That’s amazing too because in the English language even though we don’t genderize every word, we do do some words.  :-)  Like “car” for instance.  In French it’s “la voiture” and in English/America I’ve never met anyone (yet) who named their car (or even their guitar) “Eugene” or “Leroy”.  It has always been a lady’s name like “Gloria” or “Rhonda” or “Tinker Bell”, and the famous BeBe King named his guitar Lucille.  LOL!!

 

Anyhoooo, this morning I spent some time with Su-Doku to quiet my thoughts and my aching body from so much traveling and singing, as I meditated on my lover Jesus.  This game I started a couple of weeks ago (and it doesn’t usually take me this long to complete one, but this one did) and I put it down because I got stuck.  So this time I picked it up again and as I worked it I heard in my heart “it’s time to look at things a different way.”  A huh, hummm, okay there’s another number for that square, but this time I looked at it not from INSIDE the box, but on the vertical peripherique.  Those of us living and traveling in Europe understand the peripherique to mean the highway outside and circling Paris and other cities constructed comme ca.  We may have these types of roads in the United States too, but they differ from state to state, and I don’t think we refer to them as the “peripherique”.

 

I’m not going to give a lesson on how to play and solve Su-Doku, but today Su-Doku taught me a thing or two about how to “play” a better way this “game” called “life”, and how to solve challenges with a more open mind.  I love the saying “life is like an elephant.  How does it look from your side?”  But today my eyes were redirected and opened even more to see that my side of the elephant is a description of where I’ve been, and where I am now.  But how am I supposed to see another side?  Life can become mighty boring and stagnant just staying in one position (you can get a cramp), and doing things the same way all the time.  It’s time to “change my view point” and I’m not talking about morals, right and wrong, or changing from loving and serving Jesus to living with another god (which is really no god at all).  I’m talking about what Su-Doku taught me today:

 

• Where I am is because of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, and where I’m going is because of where I am now, should I decide to move from “this place.”

Am I willing to move, go on, change, to see another side of Paris, another part of Europe, another side of myself and my dreams, the world, my ministry and music?  In these blogs I share my adventures – where I am on the way to where I’m going.  I’ll admit too the ride is sometimes bumpy, but it’s not always due to my driving.  LOL!!  (blame it on the taxi driver, the metro, or the bus driver.)  Sometimes it’s the “road” itself, or maybe the tires of “my Explorer” need more air or even changing, or the shocks need to be replaced.  Hmmm, you get my drift?  (Puns sometimes, okay most of the time, are intended.) :-)

It has taken me a long minute to learn to enjoy the ride, though bumpy it has been and may be, and not just anticipate and rush towards my destination.  I was so results-oriented that when I “arrived” to where I was pressing to go, I was ready for another trip.  I really couldn’t tell you about the journey except when obstacles arose which made an impact, making movement impossible.  Looking back I realize I would be “driving” so fast (and Miss Daisy was not in my car, thank the Lord!) that God had to allow problems to arise to keep me from crashing (like the prophet Balaam on the talking donkey on his way to meet the angel’s sword), for several times I was truly on my way to a head-on – mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and in some of my relationships.  Looking back again I can describe myself as an addict – never quite satisfied with the current fix – always in pursuit of the next bag of M & M’s with peanuts (very important, for I was not too fond of the plain.), the next singing engagement, the next Sunday service – always something outside of myself to bring happiness unto myself.  Yet never satisfied when I got it, or satisfaction came, but was either short-lived or just packed away as another memory.  I had to keep “moving”, but not in the way Su-Doku taught me today.

 

• Nine numbers in each box of squares, one through nine, in any order, however you must look at all the angles of the entire picture before you can put, in this case, the “right” number in the correct square.

You see, in life, as much as many people don’t like this truth, there are still absolutes that must be respected.  There is still right and wrong, black and white, up and down, in and out, and cold and hot, GOOD and BAD.  There’s gravity and oxygen to be respected and appreciated.  The necessity of clean water and nutritious food, sleep and security, warmth in the winter and cool in the summer.  You get my meaning?  So you SEE what I’m SAYING and HEAR where I’m GOING?

To be successful in life we must honor and respect the absolutes while looking at life on the horizontal and vertical, the interior and exterior peripheriques, inside and outside of the box (-es).  There’s YOUR side, his and her side, their side, God’s side and yes, the devil’s side, and there’s MY side.  LOL!  We all have a perspective, motives, M.O. and agendas, but only ONE of us has the multi-dimensional view as described above by Su-Doku, and at all times:  past, present, future and eternity.

 

• Some things don’t seem to be related, but they are.

Everything is connected whether we see, feel, hear, taste, smell or understand it or not, directly and/or indirectly.  I was trying to place a “5” in what seemed like a logical place in the middle left interior perpherique, right?  But Su-Doku said “look to the far upper right quadrant and then to the left upper quadrant”, and I said “Aah, thanks, Su-Doku.”  But at first, my immediate short-lived reaction was “what does the upper right hand quadrant have to do with the middle left interior perpherique?  Well, as far away from each other as they are, they’re still connected, for the placement of the “5” in the one affected the successful placement of the “5” in the other because of the “5” in the top left quadrant – it was connected to the upper right quadrant AND the middle interior peripherique.  Gheez! :-)  I know at least one bass man here in Paris, who is also a mathematician, understands what I’m talking about.  LOL!!

The decisions I make today, right now, depend upon those I made yesterday, and the plans for the ones I must make tomorrow depend on those I make today.  And not only that, they affect the people in my life directly and or indirectly so it’s not just all about me!  We cannot and must not live our lives totally unto and for ourselves without considering others – from our past, our present and our future.  Yes you have a right to smoke like a chimney today and drink alcohol like a camel, but when you decide to have children later in life your decision to indulge and “enjoy” yourself now will impact them too.  Yes! We each must live our own lives in the skin we’re in.  Yes! We’re each responsible for our own thoughts, words, deeds, and actions.  Yes! We each have a right to enjoy our lives without harassment from others and each other.  But we are still dependent and interdependent on and with each other somewhere down the line, for no man (or woman) is an island. 

 

Years ago in our family church at home in Dublin, VA my dad and my cousins Pam and “little” Alpha would sing this song (and man could they blow!!!):

            No man is an Island,

            And no man stands alone. . .

            Each man as my brother,

            Each man as my friend.

 

It’s okay to see life from your side and as a matter of fact, you have so many things to share with family, friends and the world from your side of the elephant, for those experiences helped to shape who you are and what you now do.  But stagnant water stinks, and breeds diseases.  It’s undrinkable and therefore unusable for humanity in any way.  Useless.  We cannot afford to just “stay on our side” – where we’ve been and where we are.  WE must be willing to move in order to grow, and be willing to grow and learn new things in order to move.  We cannot afford to become useless and lifeless for God created us – men and women to be life-givers.  We are full of purpose.  Scripture tells us we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”, and we are made in His image, and that God is God of the living, not the dead.  Wow!  (Like Morgan Freeman said in the movie The Shawshenk Redemption:  “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”  It’s your choice.)  And one of my favorites is “He Who has begun a good work in you is able to complete it. . .”  

Back in the 70s the late Reverend James Cleveland recorded a popular song that we just wouldn’t let die:  “Please be patient with me, God is not through with me yet.”  Well that’s what I say about you and that’s what I say about me.  It ain’t over until the Black lady sings!!!  (I’m not fat anymore so the original version of that saying does not apply to me.)  Yes be patient with yourself, but don’t stay in the same place forever – emotionally, mentally, financially, physically, even geographically – at least travel some time.  Be patient with others – be gentle treating them like you need to be treated – with kindness realizing we all have issues and pains and we’re at different levels of growth and change.  But, keep motivating each other for change.  God didn’t create us to be mold or moss on a rock, but even mold and moss grow.  LOL!!

 

Thus my next question at this place, as I prepare to “move” to the next is, “what does it look like?”  What’s the new perspective for change in my life now?  As I experience growth pains anew, what kind of choices will I make?  What about you?  May I introduce you to Su-Doku? 

:-)  BTW, is that his whole name, or the first or last?  Was he so famous that he has only one name?   Hmmmm.